Amanda Takes Off...

We're doing poomse work. I'm listening to people's doboks. Snap. I love that sound.

I sit down while the higher black belts work on their forms. Purple Belt asks me to help her with sa and oh jang (4 and 5). I'm not sure why she asks me over the brown belt and numerous first dan black belts, but of course I agree to help. Meanwhile, Brown Belt and White Belt join us in practicing and I promptly forget one move on each form.

I ask one of the black belt boys for help with the moves. He's useless. I say the name of the form and do the moves up to my question. He just blushes and looks at the other boys and shakes his head. "No English, no English." I think, Get over it! You don't need any English for this!

Purple Belt asks the lot of them for help and they stare at her. I roll my eyes. She smiles and I say, "미안해요. 몰라요. 음...skip? OK?" She nods. When he is done with his group, TempMaster helps us out. The black belts just...stare. At least they're consistent.

I hate forgetting that one move on each form, but I know it happens. It happens when people help me in my studio. Something about breaking it into every step...Sabumnim has made mistakes too. My Kwanjwangnims don't forget. I envy that.

I find out that I can't count out the steps in Korean and check someone else's form at the same time. I get lost with such a long pause in between each number. At least Ghost does, too...

I can't figure out why they're having the new white belt (who has not trained elsewhere) learn il, ee, sam, and sa jang by watching and doing as we're practicing. He only comes to our class, and nobody has ever shown him any of the forms. I don't understand it. Nor do I understand why all of the color belts of any rank know all of the tae guek series.

More than that, I wonder why Purple Belt is so shy to do these moves. Wednesday we did kicking practice in class, holding onto our partner's arm and belt for support. I could barely hear her kiyap from 6 inches away. It's a whisper. She looks afraid to do these moves. She nods when I say the next move, but hesitates when she does it. Yet when she spars this fierce, forceful, fiery spirit comes out.

Ani Difranco's "Hide and Seek" lyrics about anger pop into my head. Just tell him the anger just comes/it just comes.

I want to tell her not to be afraid of herself. I want to see that sparring spirit come out. I want to know more about her.

I push my thoughts aside.

After class, I work on sa and oh jang, trying to really make my dobok snap on the knifehand strikes. Front, side, roundhouse kicks—snap, snap, snap. Punches and low, body, and face blocks—i>snap! Knifehand strikes—silence.

TempMaster comes over, tells me to do il and ee jang. He reminds me to keep my front leg straight in walking stance. He reminds me to drop my shoulders. He asks me to change my low block. I just shake me head and say, "I'm sorry, Kwanjangnim. I just learned my studio's way in November. I will be tested on my studio's way. It's too hard. I'm sorry." He lets it go. He helps me tighten up my timing on il, ee, and sam jang.

I come home and practice double knifehand strikes in my soft, soft pajamas. Nothing. Over and over. Quiet.

Snap.

I freeze. 다시, Amanda. Try again.

Snap!

I reverse directions. SNAP!

I smile.

I bow to the room.