Amanda Takes Off...

My mom and stepdad are coming to visit me in two sleeps. Two sleeps!

Monday we're doing things around Seoul (palaces, Namsan tower, etc) and going to taekwondo together. Tuesday we're going to the DMZ. Wednesday is my mom's birthday and we're going to the teafields and bamboo forest. Thursday is Buddha's birthday and we're probably going to a temple and taking it easy. Friday is unplanned so far and Saturday we're doing some shopping in Insadong and watching NewSabumnim's demonstration team.

I am excited about all of it, but especially Mom and George getting to meet Master's family and "my boys" and seeing me do taekwondo. Even though I took a taekwondo class in college, my parents have never seen me practice it.

Here a list of things my mom (and stepdad) need to know about Korea (mostly my mom, because she worries), in no particular order.

The biggest bill in Korea is 10,000 won, about ten dollars US. You will carry a stack of cash with you, sometimes very thick. Banks actually have little bags for you to put your money in. Don't flaunt your money, but don't worry about it. Korea is very safe.

Korea is changing all of their bills, so there are two styles of each paper note.

At most public bathrooms (ie in subway stations) the toilet paper is on a large roll outside of the stalls. Don't forget to get some.

At most public bathrooms soap is lacking. Koreans don't seem to wash their hands most of the time anyway.

The tour we're going on for your birthday to the teafields is a Korean one. I expect we will be the only foreigners. I also expect we will be some of the youngest people there. Heh.

The fact that George is a student at his age, and a nursing student!, is very unusual. So if you get funny looks, that's why.

If someone asks your age, it's not that rude. (It's sort of rude because you're a woman and older than 40, but they may still ask.) Tack two years onto your age before your birthday and one year on after your birthday. George needs to tack two years onto his age.

If you get called "ajumma" or "halmoni," it's a sign of respect. You may get called "halmoni" (grandma) by the kids at the studio, but I doubt it. George will get "ajosshi" or "halaboji."

Koreans may ask you these things: Where are you from, do you like Korea, can you eat spicy food, and did you know Korea has four seasons?

When walking up and down stairs, try to stay to the left. This is the general rule, sometimes it goes out the window.

Do not fear the autobikes on the sidewalk. Scratch that. Fear them.

Also fear for your life in taxis. Taxis are scary. Whatever you do, don't ask the taxi driver to slow down or say anything negative in any language, as that will only make things worse. Just close your eyes.

Fear walking anywhere in the road. If you hear honking, move to the side.

(About the above three points: I am now as used to it as the Koreans are, so you don't need to warn me that I'm about to be killed. I know.)

Do not talk about the FTA.

Street food is safe and we are going to eat it, so please don't lecture me on how I'm going to die. ^^

I know you're proud of Johnny, but a lot of people don't like the US military here (especially younger Koreans) so if you talk about him, just say he's a firefighter.

When you meet Korean friends, I will tell you their names, but you can promptly forget them because it's often very rude to use first names and you just don't do it.

Seoul sort of has a distinct...smell.

Old men on the subway will smell like any combination of these three things: soju, kimchi, and cigarettes.

You will get stared at. Especially since there will be three of us together at a time.

You may be told you're fat. Koreans like to state the obvious. "I am Korean." "It is raining." "Americans are fat." For the record, all Americans are fat. Even the skinny ones.

Don't drink the water.

When we eat Korean food Korean style, you will not die from some horrible disease. (Many restaurants have wet napkins that are awesome to use before eating.) After all, Koreans are still around, right?

Korean men (older ones mostly) spit in public. Watch where you walk.

Koreans often sneeze and cough without covering their mouths.

Yet women cover their mouths when they laugh.

Korean speech often sounds like whining to Western ears. It might make you slightly crazy.

Public drunkeness is not a crime.

If you want to eat dried squid snacks, tomato ice cream, or pine bud drink, we can do that. We can also suck snails out of their shells and eat silkworms.

Signs in Korea are backwards. In America we write "10 to 30% off!" In Korea it's "30 to 10% off!"

Dates are written YY.MM.DD or MM.DD.YY.

Very pretty boys wearing pink and carrying manbags are not gay. They are simply very pretty boys.

If you are offered coffee, you must accept. You will then be served this nasty instant coffee that is always 20 degrees too hot.

Take off your shoes!

When we meet Master's family, he will probably practice his English phrases from our first lesson. ^^ I will teach you how to introduce yourself in Korean for the studio.

The boys at the studio will probably be too shy to say anything to you.

When you give anything to anyone, use your right hand only, two hands if you want to be polite.

Any gifts are to be opened later, in private to save face.

We will bargain in markets, even though I hate it.

For the DMZ tour, lunch is not included. Gimbap for all!

T-Cards (for the subway) are awesome and I will be preloading some with money for you.

You will see many t-shirts with horrible English on them. I mean horrible ranging from nonsensical sayings to things I won't publish on my own site. I recently saw a businesswoman wearing a blouse with "Italian hot cooks" written all over it. Except one of the "o"s in "cooks" was really a "c."

Ignore the men at the airport who try to "help." Darn taxi drivers get in the way!

I don't speak nearly as much Korean as you probably think I do. You are warned.