Amanda Takes Off...

"Hey, guess what I learned? 발목 잡히다!"

발목 is ankle and 잡히다 is to be grabbed, to be caught (잡다 is to catch, to grab). Literally this is "to be caught by the ankle;" figuratively it means to have been trapped in a relationship or marriage by a woman getting pregnant.

Good Man looks at me. "Umm." He swallows. "How do you know that?"

"YJ taught me at our language exchange."

"Why?"

"Not me! A friend of a friend."

"Ohhhh kayyyyy," he says a bit nervously.

A lot of people talk about how hard it is to date someone who doesn't speak your language natively or very, very fluently. Good Man's English is very good, I know that. But he does still make mistakes or say things that sound odd.

But overall, I think conducting and communicating in a romantic relationship with him has been easier than my dating/relationship experiences in America.

What?

If something sounds offensive, relax. It probably wasn't meant that way.

An American friend of mine who dates a Korean and conducts his whole relationship in Korean (yes, you read that correctly) told me that I needed to give Good Man a break if he said something that sounded funny.

I try to take his advice to heart. But sometimes I fail.

Koreans use "envy" and "jealous" differently than Americans do. Americans tend to use it in a negative way, but Koreans use it positively, almost. One day, after work, Good Man was particularly tired. He said, "I am envious of you. You work less hours than I do and make more money than me."

I immediately got defensive. I have a Master's in Education, I taught for three years in America, I could be making more money if I were at a hogwon, but we all know the luck I've had with them, I live in a different country with no family here, why shouldn't I make more money?

He just looked at me. "I just wish I could find an easier job, I am happy for you, Amanda. I want a job like you have."

One night, during class, Master ended a particularly difficult drill. "OK, no more," he said.

"Oh, I love you!" I said in Korean.

Master cocked his head. "Why?"

I had forgotten. "Love" is much more strictly used in Korea than in America. I said, "Oh, in America, we love everything... Um, thanks for ending the exercise!"

He laughed, "OK, Amanda."

Tell the truth. Don't use codes.

Of course, if someone from our own culture says something offensive, we immediately think they did it on purpose. They should know what is offensive and what isn't.

Similarly, jokes float around on the internet—men and women speak differently.

When you date someone from your own culture, you know the language, or at least you sort of know the language. If a woman says "fine!" then you know things aren't.

I can't pull that. If I tell Good Man things are "fine!" he's going to believe me. And if I'm upset, I can't do the "You should know why I'm angry!" thing.

Telling the flat truth makes things so much easier.

Just ask.

When Good Man says something I don't understand (either because of accent or structure), I don't guess. "Hon, what do you mean?"

"I mean..."

I wonder how many communication mishaps are avoided simply because we're more aware that they might happen. We all know that you can miscommunicate with someone who speaks the same language natively, but are we as open to the possibility and frequency of that happening?

There are no dating rules.

When you date someone from your own culture, you know the rules, or at least you know what you think should be the rules. Wait X days to call, don't sleep together until Y...

And in my experience women often call their girlfriends and ask, "What does he mean? They're trying to decode, figure out their next move, figure out which rules to follow (or break), and so on.

Good Man doesn't know the American dating rules, and I don't know the Korean ones, and we just date. I thought our first date was...not spectacular. I mean, it was nice, but he was so quiet and seemed so bored I thought he'd never see me again. (Which is basically my record of dating in Korea.)

I asked him out for a second date soon thereafter, mostly because I was going to be on his side of town and thought, "Why not?" I didn't worry about how it would "look" in part because I didn't really think we liked each other and in part because the dating script didn't apply.

The second date went much better than the first. Obviously. ^^

There is no script. Simple can be better.

Good Man has some some of the sweetest things I've ever heard.

But honestly, if a Western guy said them, I'd either think, "Oh, good line, he knows the right things to say," or I'd think, "That's it? He could do better."

Because Good Man doesn't know the typical romantic lines ("you complete me") when he says something sweet, I believe it much more than I would from a Westerner guy. Also, because English isn't his first language, I don't expect long, poetic declarations of love.

It doesn't matter. The regular things he says are fantastic.

Good Man once sent something pretty deep in a text message. Behind a "by the way..." As in "By the way [deep emotional thing here]." If an American guy did that, I would wonder why he stuck it in a text message, why he stuck it behind a flippant phrase. ("What does he mean?") But when Good Man did it, I giggled and thought it was sweet.

I couldn't do it.

I know I couldn't conduct our relationship in Korean like he does in English, and so I am very thankful.