HR Woman, You Fail. America, You Fail.

I had to call HR today. “Hi. I need to make a change to my insurance because I was just married. But my husband doesn’t have a SSN. Do I need a dummy number?”

[Note for non-SSN readers: A Social Security Number is a nine-digit number which was originally supposed to be used for tax purposes only. Over time it’s become this radically abused number and is sort of a national ID number, even though we aren’t supposed to have those in the US.]

“You need to find out his SSN.”

“…” I repeated myself. “He doesn’t have one.”

“How doesn’t he have one?”

I really didn’t want to explain that he isn’t eligible for one. “He doesn’t have a SSN. What should I write?”

“Um, write that he doesn’t have one.”

Like I’m the first person in the entire district to marry a SSN-less foreigner? Doubtful.

Then I asked if I needed to send a certified marriage certificate or if I could send a copy of the commemorative, non-official one they give you.

She said, “You need the license.”

I said, “The license was returned to the state by the officiant. I do not have the license.”

“You have some sort of license.”

It took all of my self-control not to say, “I have a driver’s license.” Instead I explained, very slowly, how it works and that I only had the decorative certificate. The one that reads “this is not a certified certificate.” She told me I could just send a copy of the fake certificate. Fine.

It’s a bit moot now. Monday we sent off for ten legal copies figuring that in our half-SSN-less-Green-Card-and-in-state-tuition-applying-he-is-my-husband-even-though-he’s-not-white-and-this-is-our-proof situation ten copies was a good guess as to how many we’d need. We got the legal copies in the mail today. I will probably send copies of both through interoffice mail. God knows if I send an official copy they might flip out and not know what to do with it.

Then I called Walk All Over Ya, my bank, to try and add Good Man to my account.

I asked how I could add him. They put me on hold for 15 minutes.

And then they hung up on me.

So I called again. And was immediately told it’s impossible to add him without a SSN or TPIN (another tax ID number). I said, “So basically there’s no way for me to add my husband to my bank account?”

“Right.”

America. Sucks.