So this weekend, Good Man and I went to Antarctica to celebrate my birthday. A pack of rabid penguins started to chase me, foaming at the beak. I ran away and was gaining speed, until I slipped on ice and went down hard. I cried in pain, had trouble standing, and realized I was in trouble.
Only one of those sentences is true. (Hint: Penguins can’t have rabies.)
What is true is that I spent my birthday (yesterday) getting a lumbar X-ray and discovered that my tailbone is fractured.
(How is happened is rather boring. I was baking bread and the smoke detector kept going off. Good Man had turned it off three or four times, so I decided it was my turn. I got one leg up on the chair, but when my second leg went up, the chair went out, and I landed on the hardwood floors on my tailbone.)
Luckily, unlike the Great Birthday Toe Break of 2008, Good Man can drive!
I thought I was going to be OK, and I iced and rested for a while, but the pain grew worse and I started shaking a lot and couldn’t stop. I felt really cold. That got me worried. So Good Man took me to an urgent care clinic (not the hospital), where I was told they couldn’t do an X-ray, because it was Sunday.
“I must have missed that part of the Bible,” I replied.
The doctor laughed, looked at Good Man and said, “Usually when people are in this much pain, they are mad at me. She has a good sense of humor.”
Turns out that they had smaller X-ray machines on site, but not the kind I needed. So I was sent off with some prescriptions, and I spent the evening double fisting Tylenol with codeine (T3) and 800 mg of Ibuprofen, after a very painful car ride.
Yesterday we went to the radiology clinic and I burst into tears when I realized that I was going to have to get on the hard, high bed for the X-ray. After I started crying the rather bitchy nurse changed her tune. “Oh honey, did you hurt yourself?”
No, you dolt, I get off an X-rays. It’s my fetish.
I was sent home with a CD of my X-rays and a few hours later got the report that the tailbone was fractured. Happy birthday!
Do you know what you use your tailbone for? Everything.